


a little short of dying i seem

by bertiesbeebox



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ( just a lil bit tho i promise ), Angst, Canon Compliant, ChenJi's This and That, Dreams Come True in Shanghai, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin - Freeform, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark, M/M, everyone is soft bc i want them to be lol, homophobia ? i dont know them, jisungie has bad thoughts sometimes u see, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-07-23 14:29:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20009827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertiesbeebox/pseuds/bertiesbeebox
Summary: "I feel weird."Park Jisung would often express whenever he feels the close proximity of his best friend. Two days away from their reality, surrounded with nothing buthimhelps him realize a different sort of emotions, continually illumining despite the constant state of unwilling.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
> the title came from sappho 31
> 
> ( sappho's poems are kinda sexual ik lol but i made sure to make it innocent and soft bc my boys r babies )
> 
> i used this [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6n8XUvVnFf2tREHfFOxn5Q?si=y5mODYzCSnOSvUS4bfi1Pg) while writing, listen to it if u want my loves 🍒
> 
> ( altho i do suggest that u listen to the song [Hesitate](https://open.spotify.com/track/6PmsHVre2N9yOjDge00r9c) by Golden Vessel & Emerson Leif bc that's basically the premise of the story )  
> 

**_eros arrived from heaven_ **

**_wrapped in a purple mantle_ **

— _sappho fragment 54_

“Jisung-ah?” Jaemin called from the kitchen, worry reflecting from his weary eyes. “Why aren’t you sleeping yet? You have an early flight. You need to rest,” he chided, pouring a cup of milk before heating it in the microwave oven and proceeded to walk towards the lone figure sitting on the sofa with his gaze far off the muted tinges of the television screen.

Jisung was tired, that much he knew, but as he laid counting the shadows dancing about the room he shared with an absent roommate, it paid no consolation to the nameless feeling of dread that continually disrupted his attempt for a few moments of sleep. The weight of the elder awoke him from a trance he was unconscious of perceiving. Nevertheless, he thanked his hyung for the warm cup of milk that now rested between his palms.

Silence crept throughout the room, for Jaemin was always careful in approaching his members’ plights—a trait that earned him the trust of the ever-cautious Renjun before anyone else in Dream.

That did not stop the creases from forming though.

“I feel weird, hyung,” Jisung finally broke, studying the steam from the hot cup. Jaemin responded by turning off the TV and clinging to his favorite dongsaeng, whispering a moderate amount of endearing prompting for Jisung to share more of his quandary.

“I’m meeting his family,” the younger continued, causing the elder to halt his coaxing in confusion.

“We’ve met them before, haven’t we?”

A certain boy’s family had always been particular to the upbringing of their precious star. Thus, after a year of persuasion, the company finally allowed him to inhabit a house his family had bought to deflect his inevitable rushes of homesickness, carefully tended by the loving arms of his mother and aunts.

“This is different. I’m going to invade their home!”

“You’re _visiting_ , dummy,” Jaemin breathed in quiet fondness, caressing the stray locks that shadowed the younger’s expression, “You were so excited since earlier today, what changed? Did you have a nightmare?”

“More on overthinking,”

“What were you thinking then?”

Park Jisung counted too many seconds before he finally succumbed in dwelling on the thoughts that clouded his poor, poor head. They were bad thoughts—thoughts that would often challenge his daily attempts of leaving the bed, but now his insecurities were reaching into a more intimate region of his being. A region blanketed by the feeling of warmth that defied the limitations of human comprehension _and it sucked_.

“I just feel weird,” he repeated, unable to disclose his apprehensions which worried his hyung more since Park Jisung was often the leading conveyer of multiple concerns—or “useless problems” as Jeno would add even if he was often the first to help the younger with his qualms (He would remember himself though whenever Renjun would call him a “softie” but that would not stop him from caring for their youngest, much to his dismay—“or not,” Renjun would add mischievously).

“Do you want your hyungs to cuddle you to sleep?” Jaemin offered, making the younger pull a face of utter abhorrence, for he knew he would be left neglected—of which he was genuinely thankful for—as his two hyungs continually pester their current eldest member to cuddle with them in a rather compact, single bed.

“How do you even get him to sleep with you two fools?”

Jaemin grinned mischievously, appearing far too proud of his ploys in coercing their eldest to be trapped into their web. Renjun’s too smart for these two idiots, Jisung could not help adding, after the older replied, “Horror movies.”

“He’s not _that_ scared,” Jisung pressed, for he would often accompany his hyung in watching multiple horror movies and although they both had unintentional screaming matches, it was not enough to find Renjun staying at Jaemin’s room three days in a row with Jeno on tow, “Even with your combined brain cell, you two can’t outwit him. Knowing Renjun-hyung, he’s probably doing it on purpose,”

“Even better then,” Jaemin confessed in easy surrender, “at least it’s not manipulation,”

“You’re still both fools,”

“ _We’re in love_ , Jisungie,” his hyung said so casually and so sincerely that he didn’t even bother pointing out Jisung’s rather adorable display of shock—and disgust because sharing a dorm with two hopelessly-in-love hyungs (aka MarkHyuck as Chenle would conveniently label) already made him want to bleach his eyes out for catching them in uncompromising positions for far too numerous occasions. With three? It appeared he found himself in purgatory. “At least I’m acknowledging my feelings instead of _someone I know_ living in denial despite being enamored by a certain pretty boy themselves.”

“What? What do you—,”

“Park Jisung, why are you still awake? You leave in less than three hours!” Renjun exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere and looking like an angry kitten. Jisung watched the Chinese boy scold Jaemin for allowing their youngest to stay up too late. It was frustrating to see his hyung pulling out his cutesy persona that was slowly winning over Renjun’s exasperations, so he bid them goodnight before they could say another word—or worse—exchange kisses that would forever scar his poor innocent soul. Renjun was adamant to see him in bed and asleep though so he visited Jisung’s room before he returned to their love nest, lighting the star projector their youngest had stolen from the elder's room out of mischief (“You can keep it if it helps,” Renjun held after discovering that his new night light now resided on Jisung’s nightstand, grinning like he knew something Jisung was unmindful of even with the younger's continual insistence that it was nothing but a prank), tucking the purple fleece throw blanket Jeno gave Jisung after a rather chilly night a few days past further into the younger’s grasp, and tickling him a few to help ease his mind.

“It won’t be an invasion when he’s your friend, you fool,” the elder started, “you’re good as long as you don’t keep them awake at night with your snores,”

“You're only making it worse, hyung,”

“They’ll love you and you can understand Chinese enough to—,”

“To hear any bad comments?”

“Chenle’s family is very nice,” Renjun pressed, rather insulted at Jisung’s notion that his darling baby’s family would do such a dreaded thing, “You don’t have to worry about that. What I wanted to say was that so you can show off,”

“My pronunciation’s shit—,”

“—language—!”

“—but thanks, hyung,” he finished with a tired grin. Huang Renjun returned a smile, a smile that the two idiots from the other room would die for to be its recipients, but it was solely reserved for his hyung’s favorite dongsaeng, much to the idiots’ dismay.

“He’ll be happy just by the fact that you’re there, Jisungie, and that’s what’s important,” his hyung said, gesturing another soft beam while tickling the younger’s chin, and bade his goodnight, allowing the boy to be left alone with the thought that— _yes_. Chenle’s happiness would surmount any impending disasters—was capable of surmounting any disasters as stars would continue to glow amidst the lingering shadows of oblivion.

Park Jisung released a breath of relief, smiling at the thought that he would feel the inconceivable warmth, smell the familiar trace, hear the piercing laugh, and see the ever-brilliant beams of his best friend in a mere few hours. Thus, the shadows that haunted him earlier, accompanied with the overbearing thoughts that refused to give him a moment of peace laid still as he clutched the purple fleece further to his comfort, breathing in the warmth that his Renjun-hyung and his two idiotic hyungs had helped him achieve—dreaming of the breaking of a new starlight as tonight's final reprieve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i just learned that jaemsung are actually roommates but let's just pretend that jensung are still roommates and jaemin still has his own room


	2. Chapter 2

**_for me_ **

**_neither the honey_ **

**_nor the bee_ **

— _sappho, fragment 142_

To say Jisung Park was entranced was an understatement.

Here he stood, lingering behind the figure of a nearby star whose attention was solely focused on the newborn resting against his mother’s warmth, with dark brown eyes painted in wonder as the visitors' arrival disrupt the peaceful air of the apartment. The cheerful titters of the star were welcomed though, so Jisung drank the sight of his best friend emitting uncharacteristic—yet oh so adorable—coos to his nephew.

The privacy of Chenle’s older brother's home refrained them from filming, and it was just as well. He knew he was being selfish, but there were things that he wishes were kept from the eyes of the public, and the scene before him, with Chenle radiating an unseen warmth that was unusual even after four years of friendship until they stood before the elder’s family, was a scene he would most definitely keep to himself. Renjun once mentioned that there were memories that only _they_ know of.

And he would like to keep it that way.

“ _Come closer, Jisung_ ,” Chenle’s sister-in-law called and graciously overlooked how flustered the boy was after he discovered that all eyes were on him, standing out the most in the room filled with welcoming strangers. His best friend, though, was not as kind, as he breathed out teasing cackles near his ear, causing unexplainable tingles to reappear. Jisung felt far too preoccupied to ponder over that reoccurring sensation, for his best friend’s family was waiting for his approach. Thus, he drew in a heavy breath, and proceeded towards the tiny baby shifting from his mother’s hold, with eyes appearing like they possess all the marvels of the universe. Unsure of what to do, he remained unmoving as he stared back to the child, earning a few giggles from behind.

“You can touch him, Jisung-ah,” Chenle whispered, their distance truly far too close for Jisung’s comfort. Even so, he stretched his forefinger towards the creature draped in bundles and watched the baby slowly wrap his tiny hand over Jisung’s finger.

To say Jisung melted in adoration was an understatement.

“Are you crying, Jisung-ah?” a familiar goading called, and when Jisung turned towards the owner of the voice, he found himself being filmed by the one and only. He would have smacked his friend if it weren’t for the presence of the latter's family, but Jisung merely rolled his eyes, and breathed out a defeated chuckle before thanking Chenle’s friendly sister-in-law, and proceeded to resituate himself beside his annoyingly endearing friend.

They stayed for a few more hours, with Chenle’s aunts gushing over Jisung’s presence, urging him to try the treats that they have prepared for them. The Korean boy was rattled by the attention and the unfamiliarity, yet when the enthused party eventually stilled for the baby needs his rest, Jisung turned to study the figure of his best friend, cradling the child in his arms. Another uninvited throb coursed through the younger's entire body, feeling pins scrape his skin, but the image of his friend, zealously sheltering the little one with all his might, made him lean in closer to the scene unfolding.

“Is he asleep?”

“I’m trying to,” Chenle returned, looking a little frustrated by his inability to induce the baby to a peaceful sleep.

“ _How about singing him to sleep, Lele?_ ” Chenle’s mother suggested from a nearby chaise. Before Jisung could comprehend her instruction, Chenle began to hum an unfamiliar melody, a tune foreign in his ears, yet a brazen pull appeared to lure him even more close to hear its theme. The air remained tranquil, enthralled by each symphony that escaped Chenle’s lips. _Like honey_ , he remembered Mark say after they caught Haechan recording in the studio. He could not recall the song nor the year, but he remembered seeing Mark, looking positively beguiled as if he had managed to procure a secret haven, forever to lay immobile.

“Beautiful,” Jisung couldn’t help remarking, causing the other boy to return a soft smile capable of challenging the warmth of a thousand suns, before the latter reverted his attention to his nephew, now peacefully lost in his dreams. The recurring sensation returned, but it was a different sort from before. Instead of the untimely quivers, it was as if his entire body was wrapped in a heated blanket. Not an ordinary heated blanket—no, but more on the fervor of an unspoken understanding. It was similar to their final _jjeorro juja, fighting_ during their last Dream Show where their bittersweet cries resonated to their fans’ hearts, but instead of a wistful feeling, Jisung found himself so univocally happy that tears appeared to form in the corners of his eyes.

“He’s that cute?” Chenle lightly sniggered after catching his friend drying out his tears, in which Jisung only responded with a defeated smile in affirmation as he buried the roots of his deepest fears.

**☾**

Sitting across Chenle in a famous Hong Kong restaurant, with his friend still cooing over his nephew, Jisung reached for his phone and sent a message to his hyung.

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie 

_hyung i have an important question_

_u cant tell it to anyone_

_not even to mark-hyung_

_i have lots of ugly photos of u_

_and im not afraid to post it on twitter_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_Park Jisung it’s 1 in the morning here_

_This better be good enough to disrupt my beauty sleep_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

_what beauty_

_u said u realized something_

_when u were on a date_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_You little shit_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

 _with_ _mark-hyung at the dallas garden_

_after u met some kids_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_How do you even know this?_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

_renjun's a gossip_

_never trust him with your secrets_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_Noted_

_This is so weird you're practically a baby_

_You’d probably_ _cringe at this_

_But you did ask so_

_Well as you all know i love mark and…_

_Seeing him with kids_ _makes me think of idk_

_A future with him_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

_what kind of future_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_Like a fairytale ending_

_But mark’s too much of a dork_ _to be a prince_

_But…i don’t know_

_He's my prince so it works out_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

_too cringy gonna throw up brb_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_You did ask you little shit_

_Why do you ask?_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

_ure no better than renjun-hyung_

_u cant fool me_

To: jisungie

From: cute choco ball

_You’re no fun_

_Aren't you in china?_

_Is it about chenle?_

To: cute choco ball

From: jisungie

_read at 12:16 lol_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this is the softest chapter i have ever written istg
> 
> cute choco ball is jisung's name for haechan on his phone
> 
> ( it's my first time using a chat template lol idk what im doing but im having fun so )


	3. Chapter 3

**_you are,_ **

**_of all the unapproachable stars,_ **

**_by far_ **

**_the fairest,_ **

**_the brightest―_ **

**_possessing the Moon's splendor_ **

— _sappho, fragment 34_

There were no stars in Shanghai that night—that much he knew. Jisung spied the overcast shadows, blurring the vision of the heavens, as the rain gradually dwindled into nonexistence. He stretched out his hand, continuously studying the lacking astral heights, but the ever so familiar voice roused him from his musings, with the shutter appearing like a veneer of wings. Adapting from the sudden flash, what he saw behind was indeed an angel particularly with the distinctive cherubic detail. Behind the divine laid the mischief, always so keen in capturing Jisung’s delicate sensitivities to use as his means for mischief.

“For the hyungs,” Chenle simply stated after sensing the younger’s crossed expression and continued to view the terrain of the Shanghainese estates. Jisung studied the image of his friend, with his back turned and his gaze fixed at the fine gleam of synthetic flare. But despite the brilliance of the towering steeples, with its gravity reflecting along the lines of Huangpu River, Park Jisung, with his continual defiance against the dawn of the annoyingly persistent thrills and thundering rhythms, found himself surmising that despite the lack of perceivable stellar bodies, Zhong Chenle, standing before the luminescent edifices, still appeared more brilliant— _far more brilliant_ than any simulated gleam. Thus, he pulled out his phone, called his friend’s name, and let the shutter arrest the ever-growing streak of his personal sunbeam.

“For the hyungs,” he returned, his eyes too entranced to notice the bloom that painted his friend’s face. He took another and another and another, until he met the other’s gaze, silently surveying the peculiar takes. He stood with his stare unmoving before he finally realized the gradual closing in between. His entire body grew still, dazed and confused, as he watched Chenle creep nearer and nearer until Jisung could feel nothing but the other’s trace, searing to the feel of his skin. Before another word was exchanged, he felt the light trail of warmth, like sunshine after the rain, arose the similar insistent sensations, but instead of barring the attempts, he found himself yielding to the unusual slip of tenderness.

In surrender, his eyes closed, offering his entire heart and soul.

“Make a wish, Park Jisung,” Chenle urged, causing Jisung’s eyes to open in response. He was met with the sight of a single lash, placed in between his friend’s grasp. Peculiar, very peculiar, he could not help thinking but with a struck of nerve, he met the other boy’s eyes and returned a resigned smile with every intention of baring a truth beneath its multiple trappings and making this unintended tryst a little more worthwhile.

“My wish already came true. It's being here with you, remember?”

Park Jisung was unable to overlook the blush rising from his friend’s usually pallid face. The flush slid in quick, up to the tips of his reddened ears, with the older trying to cover his embarrassment with a weak sneer. Jisung wanted to rejoice for the chance of an unnamed victory—to gloat to his hyungs that he was not the only one whose heart fluttered in unsteady beats, yet he remained transfixed with the image of the boy, eyes cast down to evade the younger's most sincere decree. But after a slight second of defeat, Zhong Chenle stood his ground and turned away in retreat.

“You should stop hanging out with Jaemin-hyung too much, Jisung-ah,” he bid, releasing a nervous chuckle as he proceeded to direct Jisung back to the river bank, “You’re beginning to say weird things.”

Jisung took his hour of daring to dwell into his most inner trimmings.

“[I became weird after meeting you](https://twitter.com/jaemrenle/status/1144937891317059584?s=21),” he said with his eyes locked far out the horizon for he couldn’t bear to see the possible responses drawn from Chenle’s truthful expressions. Someday he would be ready—someday he would be able to handle whatever response his best friend would process, whether it was acceptance or rejection—he would come and seek his divulgence, but for now, he would revel in the image he had, where even amidst the most outstanding luminescence, Zhong Chenle remained to outshine any opposition. “It’s kind of sad though, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“Photos can't show how beautiful the real thing is,” Jisung explained, hoping his friend could follow through his train of thought for it was not the glittering estates that evoked a peculiar sense of euphoria in him—it wasn't indeed, “Photos can only do so much but they can’t reflect the exact, same feeling.” The air between them remained still as he waited for Chenle to fathom his trimmings, but with his hour of daring still ticking, he turned to the other boy, finally locking the other's dark brown eyes with his.

“But we’ll have this, won’t we?”

Chenle stared back, looking confused, but a few seconds of comprehension enabled him to draw a smile, once again, emitting a series of uninvited shocks to circuit through Jisung’s nerves—pins, needles, knots, and other discomforting sensations of exhilaration. But after the repeated circumstances of seeing—no—at the mere thought of his best friend smiling, he tried to remain unshaken.

“Yeah, we’ll have this.”

There were no stars in Shanghai that night—that much was true, but with a blinding splendor dressed in the figure of a nineteen-year-old boy, Jisung did not have to seek the heavens for the secrets of cosmical worth and legendary mirths, for the brightest continued to walk alongside him—for the future, it stayed unknown, but at present—all remained true and certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i quite like how this turned out after reading it for the 100th time, all the rest ? idk anymore lmao


	4. Chapter 4

**_turn to me, favor me_ **

**_with your eyes' acceptance_ **

— _sappho, fragment 29_

Amidst the silken threads woven to form a warm quilt, Jisung sank down the covers, patiently waiting for the return of the boy bearing the colors of everything sunlit. He felt a strange affinity towards the glimpse of the older boy’s childhood bedroom. He imagined a grand mansion built in marble and stone, with a bed fit for a king and its drapings of silken sheets surrounding the pillars of the crib. What he saw was the room of an ordinary teenage boy, with the poster of his favorite musical group greeting the door. 

Upon arriving, it was in a perfect state of order, but Chenle’s one step made the entire place left for the gutter. Nevertheless, Jisung felt undeniably warm at this surreal adventure, for a long time had passed since he shared a room alone with his favorite person. Even if they only had tonight where they would be left unaided and unrestrained, he would do the best he can for his memories to remain unchanged.

Chenle returned in a swift arrival, cradling an array of snacks and dropping it to the ground without much tact, causing his poor friend to struggle in smothering the beatings of his affections after a sudden Chenle attack. The Chinese boy slid his head on the younger’s lap, heedlessly unpacking a box of egg rolls, never minding how his friend had grown still, with blush rising on both cheeks.

“It feels weird that you’re here,” the older started and after eyeing Jisung’s expression, he continued, “A good kind of weird though so stop pulling a stupid face,”

“What does a ‘good kind of weird’ even mean?”

“I just never thought we’d be able to be—I don’t know, be actual kids. Like the thought that my mom is out there making sure we don’t sneak out instead of manager-hyung is weird. Or the thought that you’ve met most of my extended family is weird. Just—the thought that _you’re here_ , in China, in my room for a visit even if some of it is being filmed is weird. I just never thought we’d be able to do this after, well—,”

“After binding yourself to be an idol? Leaving everything—your youth, your privacy, your _home_?” Jisung supplied, the bitterness sharp from his tone, but Chenle being Chenle, dismissed his friend’s potential moans and tossed a Ryan plush toy to relieve the younger boy.

“We’re not idols right now, Jisungie, so stop whining,”

“We don’t stop being idols, dummy. Especially here where you’re this big star,” Jisung returned, frustrations continued to fuel his apprehensions, making him more frustrated for he was ruining their one night away from reality but recalling Chenle’s bizarre past, in which he released three albums, starred in dramas and films, and flew to Argentina to sing a song written especially for him in Spanish all before the age of fourteen, overrode the pressing charges of his teenage anxieties.

“Your past was so weird,”

“ _You’re_ weird. How could you start grumbling one second and laugh at the next?”

Then Chenle laughed and the loss of air took away all of Jisung’s good senses.

“Play me a song, Lele.”

The older’s cheeks were tinted in red again and Jisung knew that he shared the similar face, yet he refused to drop his gaze before the older considers his genuine appeal, for the younger needed every opportunity to marvel at the other boy with an infinite amount of cheer.

“So suddenly?” the Chinese weakly replied, defeated by the younger’s eager desire. “Do you need a lullaby too?”

“I need a memory,” Jisung replied, taking the older boy by surprise, “And I need it to be a memory of you.”

A peculiar heat further painted his friend’s cheeks, and Jisung felt a little too pleased that his audacity was causing the other to feel a (hopefully) similar sense of unease, but then Chenle lit a lasting beam, and Jisung found himself back to the beginning, for even after directing a series of bold risks, he would never win against the prettiest stellar fancy.

“Are you a baby?” Chenle teased but proceeded to unveil the musical keyboard resting beside the TV. “What song do you want to hear, baby?”

Jisung knew it was only Chenle’s peculiar way of teasing, but that did not stop his heart from pounding an impossible number of beats after hearing the unintended sweet _nothings_. Nevertheless, Jisung swallowed the ever-growing flutter and managed to utter the song “I Like Me Better.”

When Chenle rolled his eyes at his selection, Jisung lightly nudged the other’s arm to conceal his growing discomposure. “What? Can’t I like a song a lot? Renjun-hyung keeps playing Don’t Go, but I don’t see anyone complaining,” he said in defense, causing the other boy to shriek out deafening fits of chuckles.

“Renjun lives with three other boys who are in love with him,” Chenle proclaimed, blatantly ignoring the horror in Jisung’s face, “Of course nobody would complain,”

“I—What? Did I hear you right? Three boys, including me, right? Me? In love with Renjun? _Why_ would you even think that—oh my god, my head hurts because of your stupidity,”

“Fine, if you're not in love, then you should at least admit that you have a crush on him though,”

“Why should I?”

“Because it’s the truth,”

“It’s seriously not your place to tell which is the truth and not,” Jisung exclaimed in exasperation because oh my god this boy was such an idiot, Jisung silently added, but when he saw a frown forming on Chenle’s lips, Jisung rolled his eyes in defeat because being the cause of Chenle’s frown would forever haunt him in his sleep, “But no—I don’t like Renjun-hyung that way. Definitely not the way Jeno-hyung or Jaemin-hyung—,”

“—‘Nomin’—,”

“—cares for him. Seriously, I can't believe you would affiliate me with those two idiots. You're supposed to be my best friend. Oh my god. Yes—I admire him a lot, that much is true, but—,” _He’s not my favorite if all of my loved ones gather in the same room_. “Just—oh my god, this is so annoying! Stop asking me difficult questions,”

“Why is it difficult?”

“Because I need three to five business days before I can even think of a possible outline.” Jisung noticed creases forming another possible frown from the elder's angelic face, so he quickly grabbed the Chinese's wrist, and breathed out a claim to meet the other's wishes, “You will be the first to know, yeah? After this is all sorted,”

“Is that a promise?” Zhong Chenle probed, his eyes meeting his best friend’s before lifting his pinky finger to further urge the younger to commit to his decree. “Do you promise?” he repeated, patiently waiting for the younger’s grasp to meet his.

“Zhong Chenle, you are a menace—but yeah. I promise.”

“Araso, araso,” the Chinese boy nodded, pleased to the turn of events as they intertwined each other’s pinkies to swear to the heavens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i was so excited to write this part ( but i didn't even include the thing i wanted to write about ) idk how i feel about this chapter but feel free to share what u think lol
> 
> i think chenle's a lil ooc but the boy is also going through the similar thing so he gota have those intimate sessions with his best friend ya feel idk
> 
> oh and i chose Lauv's I Like Me Better bc idk bro it fits them perfectly and the fact that jisung shared to the world that he liked this song while doing a vlive with chenle sends
> 
> ( it's canon that jisung's favorite hyung is chenle based on idol league lol @jaemrenle pointed out that it was funny that jisung chose chenle bc he cooked for him when jaemin and renjun cook for him more since chenle doesnt really live with them so ya we been knew but lmao )


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💫 DREAM WON THEIR FIRST WIN I'M SO PROUD OF MY TALENTED AND BEAUTIFUL BOYS 💫
> 
> STREAM [BOOM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-iJZ0gfKPo)

**_i am weary of all your words_ **

**_and soft, strange ways_ **

— _sappho, fragment 48_

“Aren’t you tired?” Chenle asked, his pinky long separated from the younger’s, but his trace remains as Jisung felt the other brush his fingertips at the ends of his fringe. Jisung attempted to lie, but the heaviness in his eyes failed to look convincing, so instead of fighting off his fatigue, he allowed the brush of nerve and comfort to steer Chenle’s touch to his cheek, nestling the warmth that emits from the boy who screams sunlit.

“You still owe me a lullaby.”

His eyes were closed, yet with their close proximity, their heartbeats shared a similar rhythm, thundering melodies of warmth and tenderness and longing. The heat was familiar and welcomed, and Jisung was grateful for how the sleepiness in the air keeps their close contact tranquil.

“So you finally admit you’re a baby?”

“If I’m yours, then I’m okay with that,”

“What?” Chenle returned, breaking the peaceful air of amity. 

“If it’s only for tonight, I mean—then okay. I’ll allow it,”

“Why only for tonight?” Chenle asked, and halted his process of caressing the younger’s cheek. The heat was sorely missed, but after Jisung met the other’s eyes, finding a frown painted on his sun’s lovely surface, the younger acknowledged that the pleasant order of unbounded intimacy was finally disrupted.

“Because today’s special,” the younger boy explained, pulling the older closer to his reach to guide him to the nearby instrument waiting to be played, “And special days call for a special ending.”

His friend remained baffling—a rather peculiar sight from Zhong Chenle, yet the boy still positioned his fingers on the keys of the electronic organ and started to perform the melody, but not before breathing out a weary, “We still have tomorrow, Jisung-ssi.”

The song enclosed the room, with the ringing concinnities meeting the throbs that could be heard from Jisung’s heartbeat but the younger was certain that Chenle’s was producing similar rhythms as he eyed his best friend, springing an elegant party with the ends of his fingertips.

Then Zhong Chenle began to sing, so naturally, Park Jisung lost all of his footings.

He watched his best friend morph into a character—far too unreachable and unrestrained for his grip, so he simply continued to witness the scene of the Chinese, transcending into the regions that humans could only imagine, where light stretches far and beyond and celestial hymns surround the limitless domain. The cadence of the elder was affecting an impossible yearning, oblivious to the adoring worship that wishes to escape the younger’s lips.

With his lean fingers appearing like twinkles after every refrain, the song gradually dwindled, and the final melody disappeared into the air, allowing reality to be fixed in place once again. The older turned, catching the younger still lost under his spell. Chenle could only return a defeated chuckle before whispering the words, “You’re so unfair, Jisung-ssi," to the empty air.

The younger, still rapt in wonder, failed to perceive another closing in between. There wasn’t much distance, even before this peculiar day, for fans demanded services that stirred tingling cravings. Park Jisung had always been awkward; thus, a slight compromising position found the boy longing for the ignorance, but never with Chenle it would appear. _The only exception_ , he would hear Mark proclaim, for he shared a similar trait of his hyung's uneasiness. But while the elder was still learning with the help of his sun, Jisung Park found himself easily accepting the brightest star to light his heart. Thus, he closed his eyes and surrendered to the call of the elder boy’s biddings.

He felt the elder grip his top, pulling him closer into his orbit, where a familiar heat transmits from one to the other as Jisung felt warmth creep through his skin. His eyes remained closed, as he drew in the delights of the shortening of distance. The elder’s breath was close— _so close_ , yet he remained unfazed, for he always had the patience to entertain his friend’s whims. A second after another had passed, yet none developed in achieving his deepest cravings. But he remained patient—careful, calculating, just like how Jeno and Jaemin lured Renjun or how Donghyuck entranced Mark, but after finding himself counting the minutes with nothing changing, he finally opened his eyes, only to find himself lost in an enthralling daydream.

“Did you have a good dream?” Chenle asked, as he stood up from the stool and began to fix the younger’s sea of blankets.

“It was okay,” Jisung lied through his teeth, for the air still appeared to contain the heat of his ridiculous fancy despite reality hitting him in the face rather harshly. He felt ridiculous, utterly ridiculous for allowing the plight of his desires to manifest into something material. But he recalled Chenle’s notion that tomorrow is another day to satisfy the longings of his heart before he could bury them deep, never allowing a peek after _this_ has come to pass. Thus, instead of submitting to the demands of his reality, he continued to unveil the accounts of his most secret fantasies.

“No, rather—it was more than okay,” he began, searching for words perfect for disclosure, unaware of his stretching arms, calling for the warmth of a thousand suns. The boy answered his call, though, face flushed red to the tips as he sat before the younger, gaze remaining transfixed, “I dreamt of you, Chenle-ya.”

“Was it a good dream?” the older returned, as Jisung traced the palms of the Chinese with his.

Despite being the younger of the two, Jisung had always been bigger in nature. With his big hands, big feet, tall height, and even bigger head, he always appeared bigger than the elder, but Zhong Chenle possessed an even bigger image—unreachable and uncontained like his laughter, his ideals, his spirit—and his heart. But at this moment, there remained two boys, appearing to have reached the ends of each other's inner trimmings. 

Thus, Jisung told the truth to the world.

“It was the best dream I’ve ever had,”

Just as their palms were knitted, their souls were too. For when the moon rose, the sun would rise as well, painting the sky golden as their hearts connect.

“Some dreams come true too, Jisung-ssi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i made it too flowery to reach my 1k word count ( writing is so hard lmao ) but idk lol i hope u like it my loves
> 
> i used a lil bit of the lyrics from 127's [sun&moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phsk2sCM3eo) if u haven't listened to it, pls do i wish renjun plays it on his [radio show](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHjDAeTbO4fQilomLD-kaXg) 9PM to 10PM KST everyday ( yes i'm gon promote my favorite boy on my fic ) lol
> 
> ( also god noren has been feeding me with so much content i'm so close to writing a fic istg )


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's angst bc i accidentally dropped my new laptop that's not even a week old yet and i need to mourn for my shortcomings lol
> 
> ❗️ PLEASE READ ❗️ 
> 
> idk if this counts as a panic attack but it is an attack of some sort so if u think it will trigger something my darlings pls dont continue or skip it if u want yes with all my love

**_...shot through_ **

**_with innumerable hues..._ **

— _sappho, fragment 20_

Scattered voices stirred uninvited thunderings to the shallow corners of Chenle’s apartment, causing the younger boy to rouse from his long-due sleep. Instead of telling off his best friend for his infuriating habit, the boy stared at the ceiling, counting the shadows that enveloped the room as he allowed himself to be lost in his musings. Jisung felt like drowning, as his anxieties feed on his last hold on reality. The wicked thoughts spilled in ease, surrounding the boy with contempt as it continued to fuel on his insecurities.

A figure, then another formed from the corner of his eyes—dimming the boy’s vision as it gradually consumed any hint of leftover cheer. It felt like an hour as he sat, quietly shaking off the leavings of an untimely ordeal before the voices returned, and the discomfort continued ringing in his ears. After gaining a few seconds of consciousness, the boy finally found the source of this unwelcomed stupor. Thus, he rose from the suffocating warmth of woven quilts and carelessly rushed to the dreaded device only to find a splendor— _his splendor_ clutching the wretched device as if it was a newborn, in need of warmth.

“I hate you so much right now, Zhong Chenle,” Jisung breathed in defeat as he cut the ringing with a single switch and ignited the nearby lamp within his reach. The boy sat before the elder, beaten and tired from the surging call from reality but with the sight of the boy evoking an impossible comfort even in his sleep, Jisung withdrew a breath of relief before he revelled on the marvel before him.

Chenle, with his continual presence of being this absurdly loud creature, slept as if he was perfecting the image of an angel in heaven. His sharp features softened, his exhaustion overridden, yet his warmth remained, emitting the heat and brilliance of a far-off stellar body. The boy found himself lured in, brushing the dry ends of the elder’s head and quietly smiling at the fate of Chenle’s scalp. The fluttering reappeared, of course, but instead of the discomforting insistences with the pins and the needles, it swelled in the deepest regions, bringing about a warmth he wasn’t aware in existence. _Don’t lie~_ , he could hear his Jeno-hyung proclaim as if his idiotic hyung didn’t go through the similar happening with Renjun. Speaking off…

To: master of out of tune

From: Park Jisung

_color_

To: Park Jisung

From: master of out of tune

_you havent had an episod like this in awhile_

_are you ok do u want to facetime_

To: master of out of tune

From: Park Jisung

_color_

To: Park Jisung

From: master of out of tune

_fine sungie_

_yellow_

It started with Renjun, of course.

The younger hadn’t any intention of anyone, especially his members, to witness his inevitable plights of sadness—accompanied by loneliness, insecurity, and other teenage anxieties. Trying to befriend others took a toll from his early—and added—exposure to awkwardness and unfamiliarity, leaving him unable to connect with his peers despite his deepest longings. A sudden attack after practice just before their promotions for “We Young” called the attention of his hyungs in Dream, particularly the skinny Chinese boy who smiled like sunbeams—or so Jeno would often state.

The elder approached the younger with utmost ease. 

Renjun sat beside Jisung, with his phone tucked between his palms, and allowed his warmth to transpire to the younger’s grasp. _Count one, two, three, Jisungie_ , he recalled him saying, and accompanied the younger to draw in breaths of reprieve. After losing count for the fifth time, Jisung finally returned a smile. A smile, followed by streaks of defeat. The older invited his dongsaeng for an embrace, and Jisung found himself drowning in tenderness, as he finally allowed the tears to spill down his cheeks.

“I have bad days too, Jisungie,” his hyung softly said, with his short arms enveloping the younger with all his might, “And do you know what I do whenever it gets bad?”

“What, hyung?”

“I ask Jeno-ssi or Jaeminnie to pick a color,” Renjun returned. When the elder considered the other boy’s confusion, he tickled his chin and proceeded to explain his habit, “Pick a color. Any color,”

The younger, still lost on confusion, entertained his hyung’s eccentricities and chose the color blue. At the swift rise of the elder, Park Jisung found his hyung sitting before him, with his camera fixed at his direction. Before he could ask Renjun about his intentions, the older frowned and clicked his tongue, “This won’t do. The picture’s almost perfect, but there’s something missing, Jisung-ssi,”

“What’s missing?”

“Your smile,” the elder provided, causing Jisung to return an amused grin that made his hyung dance in unrestrained thrill. The younger chuckled at his Renjun-hyung’s unusual conduct and allowed the elder to coo at him before he sat beside him once again, satisfied with his victorious content. Renjun showed him his picture, laughing amidst a tint of light, emanating the telling story of a blue-haired boy who cried his heart out but still beamed as a work of art.

“That’s so cringy, hyung,” Jisung would remember saying, but the habit to appreciate life’s beauty remained as he captured the image of the boy affected by starlight even amidst the darkest hours of night. With the white golden tinge, springing the brilliance of the boy’s crown, Jisung arrested the ever-growing glitter of the boy dressed as grandeur and satisfied Renjun’s chosen color.

To: Park Jisung

From: master of out of tune

_youre too far gone jisungie_

To: master of out of tune

From: Park Jisung

_who says i want out_

To: Park Jisung

From: master of out of tune

 _fdkwfk jisungie is so cool (/ε＼*)_ _-nana_

_oho is he finally admitting it -jn_

_who r u n what have u done to jisung tho -jn_

_hyung misses you a lot !!!!!!!!!!! -nana_

_give chenle-ya our love_ _ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡_ _-nana_

To: master of out of tune

From: Park Jisung

_............................._

_pls control ur husbands_

“Jisung-ah?” Chenle called, forcing Jisung to turn his attention back to the boy stirred from his sleep, “Can’t sleep?”

“Your phone woke me,” Jisung said truthfully, causing the elder to heat up in embarrassment, and stammer broken apologies to the wind. The younger boy only breathed out an adorned titter before he reached for the elder’s hand and intertwined their fingers together, “It’s okay, Chenle-ya. Go back to sleep.”

The other boy could only return a dubious nod before he followed the younger’s bidding, but before Jisung retired back to his makeshift bed, he guided their knitted hands close to his lips and quickly pressed the softest kiss.

“The hyungs send their love,” he finished with his head down and his cheeks stained rosy pink, missing the elder’s shortness of breath with his face tinted just as red. A few minutes of silence passed before the elder finally put out the gleam of a nearby lamp, but Chenle did mutter a soft goodnight, kindling new delights to Jisung’s weary heart. 

The shadows dimmed, as the promise of tomorrow hung in the air, with innumerable hues painting the sky as today’s delights stroke each frame—a new beginning yet to name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol this part was only supposed to be like a short interlude but i got carried away
> 
> master of out of tune is renjun ofc lol
> 
> oh ! i got the color thing from tumblr ( i'll link it as soon as i find the post ) u basically just ask someone for a color as u take a pic of an object, person, idea, feeling, etc related to that color i think that's a nice way of relieving bad days anyway much love 🍒🍒


	7. Chapter 7

**_with my two small arms,_**

**_how can i think to encircle the sky?_ **

— _sappho, fragment 35_

Park Jisung, of all his limitless lists of uncertainties that continued to haunt his everyday living, was certain that Zhong Chenle was indeed the most unapproachable star beyond his reach. It began with an accidental interlacing of their fingertips, where the younger resigned to the reality that his face would always blossom in pink whenever the Chinese is involved only to find the elder shadowing not a single trace from yesterday’s coquetries. He felt the grating motion of the pins and needles, but this was a different sort altogether. No longer was it associated with an uncomfortable—and sometimes far too comfortable—warmth, yet the boy forced himself to ignore the crushing ache rising from his dear heart. Instead, Jisung Park set today’s aim in attaining a single trail of blush on his best friend’s cheeks.

The younger found himself forgetting though, for being introduced to multiple activities that his youthful soul had thought he had sorely missed from the far too early exposure to the world of idoldom greatly occupied his mind. The delights of being a mere teen were too captivating not to partake in. Thus, he found himself, echoing cheerful giggles across the base of the underground laser tag estate accompanied by Chenle’s own array of laughter.

Giddy and carefree, as if he was too befuddled (yes, he had experienced being intoxicated before because despite his hyungs’ rather austere and protective demeanors, there were some hyungs—particularly the promiscuous couple who had far too many...carnal—“gross,” Jisung could not help adding—unusualities and the one who probably wishes to be an anime character—who possess far more liberal principles; thus, allowing a group of underage teenagers to drink cup after cup of the deceitful fruity punch just after they won their first win) to consider his words properly, Park Jisung uttered in a rather flirtatious tone, “No, we’ll win. You have me, right?” only to find his friend completely unruffled by Jisung’s attempt of dalliance even before the latter could recoil in embarrassment.

The fact that it was being filmed, of course, brought no consolation.

Nevertheless, Park Jisung found himself pursuing today’s purpose. He stared, far too long for anyone’s comfort, with a large smile planted whenever he exchanged with the elder. He purposely made their brushes linger, heat to heat pressed as they felt each other’s heartbeat. Even at the dinner he shared with the elder’s family, Jisung moved in subtlety. As they waited for their lunch to arrive, the younger traced tickles to the elder’s palm, only to be responded with the same spirited nature of his splendor. Jisung continued his endeavor, however, by whispering intimate sentiments he gained from spending too much time watching sappy romance movies with Lee Donghyuck despite hearing the endless thundering beats and feeling the continuous fluttering whenever he is around the Chinese.

Alas, even with the untimely remark as they stood in line at the grocer, where anyone in the vicinity could perceive the lines, “Today, you and I look like a couple,” Zhong Chenle would only return a suppressed titter before reverting back to his own business. Thus, when the hour of their departure arrived, Jisung wasn’t entirely equipped for the day—no, for their trip all together to come to an end. The reckless attempts of proclaiming to the heavens the affections he had long held dear felt like a short-lived affair—a matter with a due, without the luxury of its proceedings, and he said just as after he was questioned by the production team about his impressions regarding his short visit.

“It’s unfortunate because I wasn’t satisfied, but because that unfortunate thing is coming to an end, I feel satisfied anyway,” unaware of the frown forming on the elder’s lips.

After the two bid their closing remarks and thanked the crew for their efforts, silence crept between them. Warmth was no longer in presence, as the younger brooded, feeling a little frustrated for his failure to procure the sight of the elder, flushing from his attempts.

“What do you mean by that?” Chenle broke, eyes looking vacantly at the dawn of twilight.

“By what?”

“Why weren’t you satisfied?”

The question caught Jisung off-guard, unable to process anything _but_ the truth. He knew, however, that the two days that allowed him to go unrestrained were a mere fantasy—a fantasy unreachable from the grasp of the boy who craved for starlight amidst the blank, bleak setting, a treacherous place for one’s hopes and dreams.

That’s why it was better for all of them for it to remain unfulfilled and _unnamed_ , watching its foundations to be slowly eaten away—consigned to nothing.

“You think too much, Jisung-ah,” Chenle stated, gaze finally fixed at his. The elder looked tired, and the younger was certain it wasn’t from physical fatigue or lack of sleep. Before Jisung could respond, he first drew in a breath as he felt his entire spirit drop at the rise of a single conflict.

“Isn’t that already obvious?” Jisung muttered, gritting his teeth, for the boy found himself frightened of the possible direction of this conversation—and he wasn’t wrong.

“I don’t understand whether you’re scared of the present or the future,”

“What if it’s both?”

“It’s okay to be scared, I think. I’m scared too,”

“Scared enough not to take the next step?”

The elder only stared at him, his manner unreadable for once, “You won’t grow that way, Jisung-ssi.”

“I’m taller than you,”

“You know what I mean,” the Chinese could only return in defeat before he tuned in the concinnities of his airpods, and lost himself in the in-flight movie.

The sun was slowly setting, bringing about a starless night where all hope is lost and no possible comfort could settle the loss of uncontained intimacy, but Park Jisung supposed this was a fair sentence for the boy who found himself forgetting, favoring only to the satisfaction of his desires. 

Thus, as the evening grew still, with ashen hues framing the scene, Park Jisung resigned to his reality that even within his reach, the burning would continue to linger, but under no false pretenses or expectations was he permitted to dither, for despite his longings, who was he, with his small arms, thinking he could encircle the sky, especially the brightest star to light any heart? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jisung is an aquarius, his emotions range only with the extremes
> 
> the promiscuous couple refers to johnten and the anime wannabe to yuta lmao
> 
> ( i had this on my drafts since monday but hhhhhhhh idk if i like this lol tell me what u think tho with all my love )


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💫💫💫 soft hours are open because it's NCT DREAM'S THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY 💫💫💫
> 
> ( the girl you found wailing in the corner ? yes that's me ) 

**_...that boy seems_ **

**_blessed by the gods_ **

**_because he sits beside (them),_ **

**_basking in (their) brilliant presence_ **

— _sa_ _ppho_ _, fragment 3_

Instead of the usual gleam glistening through the afternoon, rain came down from heaven, inducing terrifying roars and startling jolts, enough to shake Park Jisung to a start. For 4 days, 13 hours, 26 minutes, and 48 seconds, the air remained blanketed with the dearth of something warm, only affecting fright after fright, as if it was reflecting the longings of a weary heart.

But the digging ran deep—the boy committing to the promise of not a single peek.

For 4 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, and 11 seconds, Park Jisung had yet to hear the echoing warmth that transmits from the laughter of the boy bearing the colors of everything sunlit. He felt the craving need to perceive whatever leaving he could dig from the glorious days that seemed so far away, but even scrolling through the images appeared like an intrusion, for a fantasy remained a fantasy in their harsh reality. Thus, instead of painting the illustrations of a future that could have been, he allowed the shadows to swallow him and turn him dark and grey, his heart bearing the colors of nothing but decay.

Of course, his hyungs would never give him the time to mourn over his shortcomings.

“Jisung-ah,” Jeno called without warning, his entire weight pinned to his dongsaeng’s covered body, completely oblivious of the sharp edges that press against the younger’s skin, “Jaeminnie misses you, so get up and join us for lunch.” 

The elder was greeted with silence, of course, for Park Jisung had never allowed his hyungs to win over his flights of isolation. He allowed Renjun that one time—and the following times after that, but the Chinese possessed a far too intimate relationship with the sole person that could heal this perplexing quandary, so he ignored his hyung’s probings and locked himself in his room upon arriving.

Stubbornness ran through their dormitory, however. Thus, fueled with both vigilance and resolution, Park Jisung was defeated after two hours of subtle threats and careful coaxing. They let him be though after they found themselves successful in ensuring that their youngest ate at least three times a day, but it had been four days since Jisung spoke of another word that wasn’t a complete insult. Although they were known for their patience, it didn’t extend to leaving one of them to dwell in unhappiness. Thus, Lee Jeno spoke of words that would hopefully bring comfort to the younger’s disheartened thoughts.

“You won’t tell us what happened,” he started, “and that’s okay. I understand the dread that you’re experiencing—I’ve probably experienced the dread you’re experiencing. It might not be the exact feeling, but I…I understand, Jisung-ah. We’re here, yeah? Whenever you’re ready, we’re here.”

Finding his hyung lowering his confines to whisper intimacies for his comfort made Jisung well up in tears. It had been days since he felt a slither of warmth ran through his weary chest, but maybe he was at fault too, for he forbid any approach of solace to come through. He remained still, however, even with the blatant absence of his hyung’s insistent yet welcomed weight. Park Jisung was tired, but mostly longing for a warmth to come to place. Thus, with a deep breath, he found himself gaining the strength to return a response in exchange for the welcoming comfort that transpired from his hyung.

“Did you feel weird too, hyung?”

His question caught the elder by surprise, but Jeno gained his composure, and returned in the same considerate manner, “I think I’ve always been weird so I’m not entirely sure.”

“Was it a good kind of weird at least?”

“We all have a good kind of weird within us, Jisung-ah. It's what builds our characters.” Before Jisung managed to return a response, the elder stretched his hand, pulling the younger from his sea of blankets.

“Let's have lunch, yeah?”

The boy followed without a single whine, like a child breathing in a fresh respite after a day of rain clouding every warmth.

☾

“Are you my friends or my hyungs?” Jisung broke, suspending the stillness in the air where the ringing of the cutleries meeting the plates was the only tune to fill in the silence. The throuple stared, bewildered by the sequence of events but Park Jisung always had muddled thoughts running and haunting his poor, poor head, so the younger stared in return, patiently waiting for his hyungs’ responses.

Jaemin was the first to react, clearing his throat in the process.

“We’re your parents,” he expressed before earning a rather hard blow in the head.

“Don’t make fun of him, Jaeminnie!” Renjun exclaimed, annoyed to the highest degree.

“I’m not! You of all people know that he’s ours. I bore him—carried him in my womb for nine months before you and Jeno came and married me so I won’t end up a single parent. I respect single parents very much, but the love I have for the both of you is beyond compare. I wouldn’t have done this without—.”

Jaemin wasn’t able to finish for Huang Renjun took the liberty to stop his breathing with a headlock.

“As much as it makes me happy that you’re finally saying something without grumbling, why do you ask?” Renjun returned, but not before stroking Jaemin’s head, with his hyung purring in content and the younger turning away in mild abhorrence.

“I just want to make sure,” Jisung said with his voice appearing to be seconds away from breaking that caused his hyungs to immediately bring words of relief.

“We’re both, aren’t we?” Jeno uttered, the two nodding in confirmation before Renjun added, “and with the number of times you spoke to us informally, we might as well be friends.”

Renjun’s weak jest stirred a small smile on the younger’s face, making the throuple release breaths of relief.

It was an indescribable comfort to be amongst friends. The warmth would transmit to every region, every tissue, and every nerve, and yet it would press on to the deepest, innermost levels—ineffable to human experience. It was peculiar to find that a single touch of warmth is already enough to light his weary, weary heart as if there were stars forming within every person’s being where the burning would last centuries, millenniums, or forever if such exists.

He wondered, looking at the three, if he managed to emit such alleviating sensations. He wondered if he was able to offer a similar tenderness that soothes the pressing charges that turn the world grey and dull. He wondered if he had managed to stand as a monument in another person’s existence—the pillar of strength, the beacon of hope, the light of their lives. He kept wondering until he felt a familiar warmth wiping away his tears, and looking at the figure of his Jaemin-hyung caressing his cheek.

“We’re the best of friends, Jisungie. Don’t forget that.”

With a snuffle, he returned an even bigger smile, drawing the comforts of his hyungs’ irreplaceable warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cried a lot while writing this bc idk bro lol ya girl is sad i miss my friends
> 
> i listened to BLACKPINK's [Stay](https://open.spotify.com/track/4TWHREp4wv0TmewqR6rgRd) and ofc Golden Vessel & Emerson Leif's [Hesitate](https://open.spotify.com/track/6PmsHVre2N9yOjDge00r9c) if u haven't listened to it yet, please do to bless ur soul kkkkkk much love lol
> 
> throuple is a made up word for three people dating lol


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was looking for inspiration for chap 9 and i came across [this](https://twitter.com/jaemrenle/status/1049960263766695943?s=20) like i know jisung adored chenle but u don't even have to reach to determine the adoration in his eyes my boy is whipped
> 
> [this](https://twitter.com/chonloz/status/1164858418634432512?s=20) and [that](https://twitter.com/oof___________/status/1164502123431677952?s=20) ( im gon place my inscription bc i want someone to agree with me lol and please hmu if u wana be friends hhhhhh ) are more with all my love !!

**_i spoke to you, aphrodite,_**

**_in a dream_ **

— _sappho, fragment 19_

Despite his hyungs’ constant reassurances, with their words, actions, or mere presence overflowing with such warmth that his queer, innocent fascination couldn’t even perfectly procure, Park Jisung still found himself longing for the brightest star as he gazed into the sky of people emitting their own natural light.

No words had been uttered since their return from Shanghai. A silent goodbye transpired from their parting, and that was that. Locking himself in his room all day would only attract the attention of his overprotective hyungs, especially when they had just recently flown home from the States, cherishing every free hour either to rest or to spoil the babies that remained.

Thus, Jisung found himself locked within the grasp of the embodiment of the sun, with the elder’s flares tracing a tickling across his dongsaeng’s cheek as they sat in the anteroom of the recording studio, waiting for Renjun to finish his piece.

“Was Mark-hyung your first love?” Jisung spoke, eyes latched to the piece of paper that contains the lyrics he wrote for the recording. He felt the elder pause his restful caress, before the movement continued, now brushing the younger’s locks.

“He is,” his hyung uttered, “Unfortunately.” 

Despite the last sentiment, Jisung managed to eye the fondness that painted his hyung’s face, with the elder’s gaze far off as if he was remembering a secret, its matters unknown to the world but them. No teasing occurred, for the peaceful air of his hyung marked a solemn gem. But Jisung did press, hoping to bring comfort to his weary chest.

“Were you scared?”

“I’m still scared, Jisungie, and Mark is too. But we have each other and that’s all we need, I guess,” the brushing continued, sparks of his hyung’s gentle fumes stroke each line—the pressing, filling the younger with an impossible warmth. But Donghyuck continued, his voice glazed with the ever-sweet trace, honeymouthed and warm, “It's no fun to be scared alone, Jisungie.”

The moment quickly passed through, for the arrival of the youngest Chinese shook the proceedings from its pursuits. The air was instantly draped in an uninvited chill, where once it was filled with comfort—now it had grown still. Their eyes met, the longings of his heart singing hymns for a touch of the elder’s peculiar warmth, but with a swift exchange, Zhong Chenle looked away, his discomfort apparent from his rigid movements—a sight ever so peculiar from the boy who breathed in amusement.

“Chenle-ya!” his hyung gleefully cried. Whether he was unaware of the sudden shift of the air, or he was trying to overcome the pressing chill, Park Jisung was grateful for his hyung’s attempt of conversation, “Hug, please! Hyung missed you so much!”

The Chinese only returned a weak smile—a smile so weak it stirred multiple stings to the younger’s body, each scraping just as painful after each meeting.

“Later, hyung. I’m late for the recording,” he heard the Chinese say, leaving just as quick as he came, but not before adding, “I’ve missed you too, hyung.”

Donghyuck appeared satisfied with the Chinese’s response, blowing kisses until the door of the studio closed. Of course, the figure of the boy longing for the warmth of his splendor remained unmissed, his gaze still fixed at the slight second of the star’s attendance. 

Zhong Chenle’s presence was always thundering, but it lacks the bite that affects fright. Instead, his existence emits a bigger-than-life experience, capable of shuttering the anxieties that fuel the mind from its proceedings. 

But now the genial thunderclaps no longer shook, only the still and the chill remain in tune.

“Did something happen, Jisungie?” his hyung whispered softly, his trace back to provide the blaze of love and comfort. After he was met with nothing but silence, Donghyuck remained unburdened by the lack of response, even placing a wet kiss on the younger’s forehead—much to Jisung’s utter dismay. The elder burst into fits of laughter, and the younger eventually joined before they finally settled and Donghyuck pulled the younger back to his clutch.

“Do you think he’s your last love?” Jisung started again, “Mark-hyung, I mean,”

“Does it matter though? All I know is that he makes me so happy, and when someone I love makes me happy, the best thing to do is to make them happier in return,”

“You speak as if you know the secrets of the universe,” Jisung returned, once again staring down the scribbles on the lyrics sheet. Renjun appeared before the elder could reply, but as he pulled himself up to give space for his other hyung, Donghyuck breathed,

“There are no secrets, Sungie. Just love.”

☾

Night crept through the scene, with the projector casting multiple stellar fancies in the dark ceiling. His Jeno-hyung’s soft breathings brought comfort to his troubled mind, but not enough to mute the throbbings of an unasked query. Thus, moving in great caution, he rose from his bed and traced the steps towards the door of his hyung he greatly respected.

“Jisungie?” Renjun called, his sensitivity stirring him from his sleep, “Is it bad again, Sungie? Do you need a color?”

The younger only shook his head, settling down to the comforts of the elder’s bed. Unconsciously, he reached for something to hold to ease the growing tensions that were a few seconds away from taking control, but after Renjun spied the younger digging for something to clutch, he offered his hand, tiny—but the warmth transpired nonetheless.

“Has he, I mean, has—fuck, sorry,” he tried to start, but Renjun was always patient with the restlessness of his heart. Thus, the elder only gripped his hand harder and smiled, encouraging him to continue. “Has he talked to you, hyung?”

Renjun didn’t have to ask who the younger was referring to.

“He has, but not about—you know, whatever's happened between you two.” The elder’s response roused his frustrations further to the world, the fright ever so present and roaring.

“I think I’m losing my best friend, hyung,” Jisung finally spoke to the world, seconds away from breaking, but his hyung’s soft hit on his head brought him back from his broodings, with his tears remaining unshed, watching his hyung pout in what appeared like annoyance.

“I love you and I understand how scared you are right now, but please don’t disregard Chenle’s lo—don’t disregard your friendship with Chenle. Not before you two talk it out.” Before the younger could reply, his hyung continued, “You are just as important to him as he is to you. This isn’t about neglecting each other, Sungie, it’s you overlooking _your_ importance in his life. I know bad thoughts appear sometimes and cloud your mind from all the happiness, but if you just turn and look, you'll see that you shine just as brightly. If you think we’re the stars that light up your life, then you have to remember that you're a star too.”

His Renjun-hyung finished, gasping for breath. Irritation was evident in his features, but not weariness—never weariness. His hyungs may be annoyed at his untimely plights of teenage angst, but with a single cry for help, they would offer their whole with their entire heart and soul. Even if they had troubles of their own, they never failed to stretch out their hands, waiting for Jisung to accept their invitation. Thus, with another surge of uncontainable warmth, Jisung spilled his tears, breaking down to the lap of another wonderful stellar fancy.

An hour appeared to have passed before there were only sniffles left, his hyung remaining near and ever so patient.

“How did you find out about that?” Jisung finally asked, curious as to how the elder had managed to recite the lines of the song he had written for his hyungs.

“Hyuckie snooped into your notes when you left your phone unlocked. Jaeminnie cried for an hour after reading it,” the elder returned, brushing away the tears that spilled down the younger’s cheeks, “It was beautiful, Sungie. Did you write it on your own?”

“It’s unfinished. Chenle-ya—we wrote it together, but it’s not done yet.”

Renjun brought their hands together, interlocking his tiny hands with the younger’s, and whispered with his face a few inches away, “Well now, when you’re ready, finish your song and sing it to us. Together.”

Jisung grinned, with the air tickling a peculiar fancy as if they were the only two existing beings in the universe. Renjun appeared to have a knack in perfecting the art of forming a reality untouchable to the harmful rushes of the world where hope continued to blossom and blossom and blossom.

“Love exists there too,” his hyung uttered, unaware that he was speaking his thoughts aloud. But meeting his hyung’s warm beam, he returned, promising to the world.

“We’ll sing it together, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love we boom but until we have a chenji song written for the 00line, i won't accept that it's their last comeback as ot6 like srly NO


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❗️ PLEASE READ ❗️ 
> 
> there's a slight panic attack here hhhhhh please dont read it if it would make u feel hhhhhhh  
>  with all my love !! ( lol ur girl hasnt slept and has work in 3 hrs sike maybe i'll just lol najigewk )

**_nightingale, herald of spring_ **

**_with a voice of longing_ **

— _sappho fragment 37_

Before Mark and Donghyuck return to 127 for another schedule overseas, Dream decided to reserve a day for the seven of them to reveal all the intimacies left to convey—a day filled with cheerful titters, harmless banters, and ever-glowing glitters that sparkle through their small circle. Thus, the night before that fateful day, Jisung came to the decision to fix whatever ruin that befallen upon his relationship with his best friend.

Of course, the boy overridden with anxiety would attract the ever-growing streaks of panicky fits, even if his mind was resolved and fixed.

 _Count one, two, three, Jisungie_ , he would remember his hyung say, and with Renjun’s words springing to mind, he breathed, unaware of the steps leading to the exteriors of their dorm. His lungs craved for a respite—a breath, just a single breath would suffice, but the familiar trappings remained secured, clouding not only his frame but also his poor, poor thoughts.

Opening the door, the boy finally managed to take in a breath, where amidst the roof of the edifice lies solace. Thousands of unreachable bodies glimmer in the sky. Instead of inducing the boy with a feeling of the usual longing and hopelessness, he felt infinite as he continued to echo his hyung’s words.

_You’re a star too, Jisungie._

He first caught a whiff of his arrival before he saw him. Clean and crisp, but as he drew nearer and nearer, Jisung felt like being embraced by an array of forestry, each foliage sheltering him from all of his worries. The weight of the elder’s presence made him turn, meeting the weary and frightful eyes of Lee Minhyung.

“Jisung,” his hyung started, his voice strained and exhausted as he carelessly dropped his worn-out body to the cold and solid deck, “Please don’t run away without saying anything. We were so scared. If something happened to you—fuck, I know you’re going through something right now, but please. Let us help.”

Jisung could already feel his tears welling, but before he properly faced his hyung, he returned a weak apology and silently sank down beside Minghyung. No words were exchanged, the younger allowing the elder to catch his breath but after a few moments of silence, Jisung finally broke.

“I feel weird, hyung.”

His hyung could only look at his unreadable expression, with the younger’s figure posing a crouch—defending his entire heart and soul to the unknown.

“We’re all a little weird, Jisungie. It’s what makes us special.”

“Jeno-hyung said a similar thing,”

“Soulmates are just like that, I suppose,”

“Haechannie-hyung probably won't like that,”

“He’s Jeno’s too. As I am theirs and yours too,” his hyung simply stated, eyes gazing at the stars illuminating the early summer night, where the distinct city clatter laid muted to the two boys lost in their own world, “Johnny-hyung told me that as long as I hear the call of a friendly soul and I decide to answer it, our souls are already connected.”

“Johnny-hyung?” Jisung could only return, for picturing the image of their domineering hyung who could easily break the heaviness with a single joke, telling delicate tales on soulmates was a sight to behold. Mark replied with his distinct giggle, softening the heaviness that was gradually departing.

“He’s full of surprises,” Mark added, “But he isn’t wrong, is he?”

The younger merely nodded in response before he reverted back to his cower, plane after plane of his rumpled thoughts towering until he reached his peak and finally breathed out the deepest of his innermost fears.

“I’m thinking of taking the next step, hyung,” he started, ignoring Mark’s look of surprise and amazement, “And I’m scared. I’m so, so scared because if it all ends badly, I’ll lose my best friend.”

His hyung remained still for awhile, appearing to carefully select the following words that will transpire.

“I was scared too, Jisung-ssi, but then I saw Hyuck being just as scared and I just—I don’t want to see him so hurt just because I'm afraid of confronting my feelings. It’s no fun—,”

“—being scared alone. I know,” he finished, irritation blatant from his tone, “But how would I know if he’s just as scared as I am?”

“Talk to him,” Mark said, never minding the younger’s blatant abhorrence to his counsel, “But I think you already feel it too, you’re just—I don’t know, scared that you’re not worthy enough for him or something similarly stupid.”

“Can you blame me though? Have you seen him? He’s always been so bright, and if I stick to him, I’ll only dim that light because of the stupid things I say or do.”

His hyung turned to him, his face looking grave and serious which was often a peculiar look on him unless they were in their practice rooms, for Lee Minhyung was a ray of sunshine, with his warmth branching out and extending an impossible kindle in everyone's hearts. 

But now his hyung took hold of his cheek and pinched the younger as far as it can stretch.

“Who says you don't shine just as brightly? I know insecurities feed all the happy, Jisungie, but if you're in need of someone to smother you with all the affection you need, we're here. Jaemin would be over the moon if you finally reached out to him,”

“Have you been gossiping about me?” Jisung returned, looking undeniably annoyed as he rubbed off his hyung’s attempt of comfort.

“We’re very worried about you, you know?” Mark replied, his gaze still filled with earnestness and affection, “We’ve been through a lot together. You guys probably know me more than anyone and I know you feel the same. Don't think I've forgotten what you said about us being a family. So seeing you hide away from that step to—I don’t know, a new beginning? Seeing you hesitate and step away from a new beginning because you think you aren’t good enough breaks our hearts. Let happiness in, Jisungie. If it doesn't turn out the way you would've hoped, you'll still have us,”

The elder now turned his attention to the flushed tips of the younger’s ears, stretching them to every corner of their reach, and continued delivering his soothing speech.

“And Chenle too, if you’ll allow him.”

☾

Reluctance was present before the elder's departure, but one smile from Jisung heartened all of his concerns for the younger's smile wasn’t as weak as the rest of his earlier attempts. This bore a beam of resolve, but Park Jisung needed a few more minutes to ponder.

Before departing, however, he spied one last glance to the heavens, the unreachable comforts kindling the evening with their infinite glow. He drew in a deep breath and turned towards the door, counting the steps to the brightest star that lights up his world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u're wondering y chenle didnt come looking for him, it's cause he hasn't arrived yet. i prob shouldve included that but im too lazy now lol
> 
> despite mark mostly consisting of fire signs, idk y but i see him as an earth sign maybe bc of his down-to-earth nature lol
> 
> lol im gon be real with u idk if i like this i think i rushed it lol im ajigaewgijek i hope this didnt suck fuck
> 
> ( please tell me if i need to improve on some parts or smtg im aijfwje i apologize for my shortcomings nugawhejgk )


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sike a hoe's got work in four hours look who's still awake me im the hoe

**_just now i was called,_ **

**_enthralled,_ **

**_by the golden-sandalled_ **

**_dawn…_ **

— _sappho fragment 79_

It was his hyungs who built the bridge.

Disguised as a game of drawing straws, the two maknaes found themselves pulling the shortest, making them the poor souls who had to sleep in the living room because of the lack of available rooms (their manager-hyung agreed with whatever catastrophe to take place provided they were still alive come morning and they left him alone to his rare moments of peace). The idea was never new for the two, for whenever Chenle comes and sleeps over, their shared space would always be the parlor, with the elder taking the couch and the younger fitting himself under the rug.

Their circumstance, however, brought a different matter.

Jisung felt guilty in placing Chenle in the situation they were in, especially since he thought—without a doubt—that his hyungs have played their parts in executing the operation Reconcile ChenJi/JiChen/ChenSung (“You have to say the heart out loud!” Jaemin would proclaim) ♡♡♡. But finding the elder so withdrawn from the sequence of events, where not even a huff of irritation took place in response, spurred another ache. But with a tightened grip of resolve, he mustered the courage to finally step into the unknown but not before Jaemin and Donghyuck adorning him with unwanted kisses, Mark and Renjun stretching his ears and tickling his chin, and Jeno wrapping his shoulders with the purple fleece, as if he was a mighty knight, off to fulfill his quest to save the damsel in distress.

Of course, the only damsel that needed saving was himself for no one but him could save him from his constant state of impending ruin, but it was good to dream.

And Chenle did say that some dreams come true too.

Thus, with the final push of the heartening support of his doting hyungs, he crossed the comforting space where everything was clear and simple. He counted one, two, three until he reached fifty, and finally met the piercing gaze of Zhong Chenle. The shivers were always constant, sharpened pins and needles piercing through every inch of his skin, but here he stood with every resolve to stay—if the elder would allow him.

It took him a while, that much was true, but falling in love felt like a little short of dying, wasn’t it? Something akin to the breaking of something anew. 

"Can we talk?" the younger started, with his gaze still fixed at the elder despite the thunderings ringing in his chest, despite the awkwardness emitting from his very being—despite the fear that was always there. He could feel his hands shake, but recalling the words _It's no fun being scared alone_ left him remaining still.

"You aren't going to run?" 

The first words that the elder spoke to him after weeks of unfamiliar silence made his body shiver in fear. The bitterness from the elder's tone was prominent enough, it was a wonder that Jisung didn't break down and cry, but Chenle deserved to be angry, of course, so Jisung surrendered to the trail of this exchange's course.

"Not anymore, no."

A scoff from the elder was returned in response, anger eminent from the elder's oh-so-truthful expressions. Chenle turned away, their meeting met in vain especially with the elder's blatant distaste, but Jisung knew he didn't have any right to condemn the emotions of his friend especially when he was the cause of such circumstances. A minute then another had passed, yet no word was returned. A rather peculiar sight from Zhong Chenle, for despite wearing his heart on his sleeve, he too appeared to have trouble expressing them vocally.

Jisung supposed it was another effect of his stupidity. 

"You're angry," the younger observed, feeling rather foolish for being unable to determine the exact cause of his friend's disappointment. Thus, instead of dwelling further into the darkest, meanest circles of his thoughts, he supposed asking would bring more benefit. "Can I ask why?"

“You’re a dummy, Park Jisung,”

“That’s true,” the younger couldn’t help agreeing with a sad smile painted on his face, for the truth was laid bare for him to see but he needed to know more to rekindle the light that emits from the brightest star, “but will you tell me why, Chenle-ya? I have a list, see? But if we go through this, we’ll probably reach the sun rising,”

“Does this have an expiration date too?”

The question took the younger by surprise, for he was unable to decipher the train of thought that runs through the Chinese’s mind. Another stream of overthinking appears to surge, but Park Jisung was truly tired of letting the darkest and nastiest thoughts to overrule his rationality. Thus, with a confused look, he asked “What?” in return.

“That night in Shanghai, you said special days call for special endings and after a day of basically flirting with me, you go off telling the world that it’s the end. What’s with you and endings, Park Jisung? Why do you always think of the worst?”

It felt strange to find his favorite person vocally pointing out flaw after flaw after flaw. He felt attacked, that much was certain, but this was his friend’s inner thoughts and feelings. He agreed that he didn’t exactly have the right to overthrow each claim. That didn’t hurt any less though especially when the elder was speaking out words that he knew were deeply-rooted truths.

“I understand why people think of the worst sometimes though, we can’t help that. It’s human nature, and I know it comes to you more harshly, but using me to fulfill your fantasy is just—it’s unfair, Jisung-ssi. You can’t play with people’s feelings like that. It’s cruel and hurtful and completely stupid, even for you.”

“What?” Jisung could only reply dumbly, causing the elder to throw an understandable fit. His frustrations were clear and certain, yet Park Jisung could only respond in bewilderment.

“Is that all you have to say? Do you know how hard it was to—oh my god, I hate this, to—to form these thoughts in Korean? I had to ask Renjun for help so I won’t feel stupid. But after all that I still feel stupid, just—I really don’t want to see you right now.” 

The elder swiftly rose from his seat, grabbing the pillows and the blankets he stole from their Renjun-hyung, but Jisung was quicker, for although he cannot completely comprehend the thread of Chenle’s thoughts—this he knew for certain.

“I’m sorry,” he began, reaching for the elder’s flickering warmth. Chenle met his gaze with his cheeks flushed from the muted temper and unease, but with one call, the elder answered, surrendering his entire heart and soul as he carelessly flopped down onto the floor. Jisung caught him before any harm would come through, pulling him closer and closer to his pursuits. He arranged the elder’s crown out of habit, straightening the hopeless locks due to the Chinese’s constant practice.

“I hate you so much right now, Jisung-ssi,” the elder could only whisper with his face down low and his eyes fixed at nothing. But Jisung supposed that the hour of daring should transcend, for the star was already within his orbit.

All he needed to do now was to reach out and whisper his deepest cravings. 

Thus, instead of matching the Chinese’s motion, where hopelessness and confusion would continue to linger, the younger gradually lifted his friend’s face, once again meeting his gaze. Then, he took Chenle’s hands and laced it together with his.

“I’m sorry,” he began again, recovering weeks and weeks of longing by drawing in the warmth that transmits from the boy ever so brightly lit. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I _never_ want you to feel that way, but you felt it anyway and I’m just—I’m sorry, but you have to know—I didn’t use you to fulfill my fantasy, I mean—I did, but—,”

“Choose your words carefully or I swear I’ll hit you.” 

Jisung gestured a weak chuckle before weaving Chenle’s hands tighter in his hold, and breathing out the truth to the world, “You were my dream, Chenle-ya—I mean, you still _are_ my dream. It’s stupid, but I just thought that maybe pouring out all of my feelings without restrictions for two whole days away from—well, _this_ would help me accept the fact that at least I had those two days. Am I making any sense?”

“What does ‘restriction’ mean?”

“I—uh, limitations? Hesitations? Second guesses?”

“And why only two days? Why is there an expiration date?”

That was the second time Chenle asked the question, and it still managed to induce the continual scraping feeling whenever Jisung found himself bereft of speech for there was only one thing he can say to the boy whose mere presence challenges the warmth of a thousand suns, and the younger didn’t want to kindle any more rooted frustrations. He knew, however, that his best friend deserved every hidden truth not only as an equal exchange but also because it was what he wanted to do.

Thus, surrendering his entire heart and soul, he breathed, “I was scared.”

“I told you I’m scared too,” the elder pressed, finally gripping their woven hands tighter than Jisung’s hold, “I’m scared too, but you’re just—you never stop and look, Jisung-ssi. You just stare like an idiot when you think I’m not looking and then turn and run away. It’s all so frustrating. _You’re_ so frustrating.”

A closing in between transpired as the elder voiced out his aggravations. With their distance a few inches apart, Park Jisung listened to him drawing breaths of life, caught the ever so familiar trace of his indescribable warmth, met his heated stare fueled with an overflowing amount of frustration, exhaustion, and a peculiar underlying treasure laid out on his surface, and felt his temple meet the younger’s in surrender.

“You don’t know how this will end and you’re already running away.”

To comfort the weariness that momentarily withers the brilliance of his splendor, he enveloped the elder’s hands with his, and pressed his promises with the light strokes of his lips. Each press was equated to a silent vow—promises sheathed for now, but for what appears to be the first time ever, he felt overruling his fear for he knew that they had forever to uncover each undertaking.

Looking up, he saw not only the brightest star but also a boy, face flushed red to the tips of his ears, breathing in the younger’s raw accounts of honesties. Zhong Chenle was blushing, and Jisung knew he was the sole cause. It took every strength not to adorn the elder with an infinite amount of kisses and returned a beam instead.

“I have a lot to learn, I know that. But if you'll allow me, I’ll do my best to never make you feel scared or alone ever again,”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Park Jisung. We’re probably never going to stop feeling scared and alone and all the other bad things in the world, but we’ll also never stop feeling happy and warm and—,” Chenle paused, words appeared to have stuck in his throat, but he continued, looking more flustered than before, “—and love. I just—I want to know if you’re sure, if you’re ready for this to be real. This isn’t just a mere daydream in your imagination, Jisung-ssi. I’m here and I’m real, and you have to tell me if you’re sure because—oh my god, you are _so_ important to me even if you're this giant baby. Meeting you was like a fever dream and being with you is just—is just a dream come true. And I… I just really, really want you to be sure.”

To say that Jisung’s weary heart soared to the heavens with hymns welcoming its attendance after hearing the elder’s proclamations was an understatement. As soon as the Chinese had finished his muddled speech, the younger caught the other boy’s hands, gripping to contain his excitement, but before the celebration, he had to be certain.

“You have feelings for me?”

Zhong Chenle no longer restrained himself from flicking the younger boy in the head in hopes of coming into his senses.

“I’ve been telling you my feelings for the better part of the hour and you’re only realizing it now?” the elder said in utter disbelief, accompanied by the ever-present shrieks no matter how deep his voice was becoming. “Oh my god, I’m in love with an idiot. Is this what Jeno-hyung feels every day? At least I only have one idiot, but oh my god.”

“Jeno-hyung?” Jisung could only reply, his face unwilling to conceal his big, joyous smile because Chenle just proclaimed to the world that he was in love— _with him_ and no amount of internal screaming could mute the joy of experiencing being in love and being loved in return.

“Don’t let your favoritism blind you, Jisung-ssi. Renjun may be smart, but Jeno-hyung mostly holds NoRenMin’s last brain cell.”

Of course, before another word was exchanged, their oh-so loving hyungs who promised Jisung to give them all the privacy, chose this minute to reveal their hiding place. A pile of dorky teenagers, both a mixture of lanky and burly, appeared near the kitchen counter. But the sight of Na Jaemin seconds away from bursting into tears scared the two youngest out of their wits.

“Renjun’s your favorite?” their Jaemin-hyung posed. When Jisung only returned a weak shrug with a not-so-helpful smile, the eldest of the three threw himself in between, latching his entire body in an uncomfortable fit. The rest of his hyungs followed suit, of course, hurling their unwelcomed weights to the maknae’s dismay.

To catch his breath, Park Jisung pulled himself off the stack and observed the view of the brightest star being smothered by cheers and tickles. Shrieks filled the room’s once pressing air as warmth—the always so ineffable and unconditional warmth surrounded every region of the youngest’s ambiance. 

An outstretched hand roused him from his musings. The bearer he had always placed on a pedestal, unreachable even to his wildest dreams, was now calling for his response.

Park Jisung, still scared and fretful, knew this was sure and certain as he allowed himself to be pulled and embraced by this never-changing warmth where amidst the sky full of stars, the seven of them form the brightest, each bearing the colors of everything sunlit and everything warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( do you think they were in love lmao am i writing this ok lol )
> 
> i'm finally done with this lol idk if i'm satisfied with it tbh i dont think i managed to clarify every little detail that bugs poor jisungie's head but it'd be like that sometimes ig but hhhhhhhhhhhhh i hope u still like it
> 
> special mention to rose_piano like u didnt have to read and comment every chapter yet u still did ( this was my first fic for this fandom and also the first multific i've ever finished so fuck fuck fuck u have a special place in heaven i already called god and she told me that that's already a certainty ) and im like bro my heart was legit soaring the entire time thank u for accompanying me in this journey lol please hmu if u wana be my friend jawjeufwak
> 
> anyway please tell me what u think ( and feed me validations with comments bc im a hoe lol ) much love !!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't satisfied with the ending so here's the real finality lol
> 
> [this](https://twitter.com/chonloz/status/1164858418634432512?s=20) vid makes me want to eat my own face and swallow myself whole

**EPILOGUE**

**_i_ ** **_[ didn’t ] expect to touch the sky._ **

— _sappho fragment 52_

The first visit was filled with playful pursuits.

Their excitement was uncontained and free, despite the camera that desperately tried to catch up with their devilries. The ever so piercing laugh of the boy who screamed sunlit echoed in every destination, the only fitting comfort for the boy who was every inch built in apprehension. And because of this freeing impression, Park Jisung felt he had nothing to lose. Thus, surrendering to the dawn of exhilaration, he brought down every trappings that mask his ever-growing affections and allowed the elder to hear how his mere presence makes his heart sing hymns.

And to think that the events succeeding weren’t just a mere fantasy, for here he sat beside the elder, with their hands intertwined, blushing at the knowing looks of the elder’s family.

Chenle’s mother knew, of course, for mothers always had special intuitions. She even made a wager with Chenle’s aunts, making the two teenagers fluster deeper in red after eyeing the sight of the combined responses of Chinese women exchanging their profits and losses.

“Thank you for making our Lele happy,” Jisung caught her say with the distinct Chinese intonation and a glowing twinkle willing an impossible warmth, “We wish you all the happiness.” Her last sentiment was not without a mischievous glimmer, thus earning the embarrassed shrieks of the nearby star.

Nevertheless, as they sat on a plane departing back to Seoul, he spied their woven hands and breathed in all the surrounding warmth.

“How was your second visit to Shanghai?”

The younger mused over the events that occurred as soon as he set foot in the land of glimmering estates for the second time. The awkwardness was evident, for it was, unfortunately, one with Park Jisung’s characteristics but after an accidental confession blurted by the biggest gossip of NCT Dream, proclaiming that Zhong Chenle found Jisung’s awkwardness so undeniably cute and endearing—accompanied by the younger Chinese tackling his elder for his infuriating habit—Jisung’s physical unease appeared to wither, especially when he had the brightest star holding his hand.

The jitters were a different matter though, for although he had the luxury of meeting Chenle’s family, the elder brought home a friend during his first visit, _not a lover_. However, all of his anxieties appeared to fade in an immediate rate after they were greeted similarly akin to a welcoming ceremony. More bets appeared to have occurred after observing even Chenle’s uncles and cousins exchanging uncertain amounts of money. Despite that, however, Chenle’s grandfather greeted him with the same twinkle as the elder’s mother.

Jisung felt so warm, he knew he would cry sooner or later and he did eventually, causing the family to bring whatever comforts they could give.

“You’re surrounded by everything warm,” Jisung could only return, tracing the blushes that coated the elder’s cheeks, “ _You_ are everything warm, it seems unreal sometimes.”

Zhong Chenle released a shy giggle, peculiar to his usual display as a thundering stellar fancy but his smile dwindled into a look of concern, brushing his impossible warmth to the younger’s locks.

“Mark-hyung told me about a stupid thing you said,”

“Everything I say is stupid, so you have to be more specific,”

“That’s an example,” Chenle remarked, now cupping the younger’s face with his palms and of course, the boy always longing for warmth nestled in and embraced the relief, “You have to work on your self-love, Park Jisung. You have to understand that you’re worth everything in the world.”

Jisung frowned at the sudden judgment of his shortcomings. He knew, of course, that he had much to learn but bearing the thought that he had to go through it alone was a troubling notion. For although he _could_ do it alone, he would very much like if he won't have to do it all on his own.

“Only me?”

“I’ll be with you,” the elder soothed, bringing their knitted hands to the younger’s line of sight, “holding your hand.”

“You’re a dream come true,” Park Jisung could only speak to the world, unable to contain the pressing surge of warmth that emits from the boy capable of bearing the heat of a million hearths. Chenle drew his big, big head to the younger's equally great head and allowed their temples to meet.

“Well, you’re _my_ dream, Jisung-ssi, so I guess it’s my win.”

Park Jisung closed the distance in between, pressing the softest caress into the elder’s lips. The look of the elder was a sight to behold, especially when it was one of the few times Zhong Chenle was at a loss for words.

“That’s new,”

“And more to come too,”

“You’re such a dummy, Park Jisung,” the elder could only return before he pressed another lingering brush to the younger’s lips.

Their eyes met after a few exchanges, and Jisung spied the starlight that gleams along the elder’s heartening beams. The image immediately brought him to remember the sappy message that his Jeno-hyung once wrote for Jaemin and Renjun.

 _Above us, only stars. Below us, only stars. To all sides, only stars_.

“Inside us, only stars,” Park Jisung finished aloud, causing the Chinese to look at him in confusion. The younger only pulled Chenle’s hands closer to his orbit and knitted the elder’s indescribable warmth with his. He had much to learn and much to live, with the inevitable rushes of sadness, anger, fear, disgust, surprise, and happiness to paint the innumerable hues of life, but Zhong Chenle would experience it with him as their hands, their hearts, and their souls are woven in between.

And thus, with a final brush, he breathed and sighed for he was now living his dream with the boy bearing the colors of everything sunlit beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sees myself recycling phrases again and again*: it'S A MOTIF
> 
> ( ,,,,,,,,, is my writing difficult to understand im so sorry kdjdkfkdlkdkdk )
> 
> thank you for all the support my lovelies im glad u took the time to read my self-indulgent fic lol pls feed me comments if u'd like lol it's a free pass to watch me cry happy tears ☺️☺️ with all my love !!

**Author's Note:**

> ☆ STREAM [RIDIN](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vofjeJvRT9c) ☆
> 
> listen to my boy renjun's [radio show](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHjDAeTbO4fQilomLD-kaXg) 9PM to 10PM KST everyday !!
> 
> follow me on [tumblr](http://tiredsosleeping.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/bertiesbeebox) if u want i have lots of love to give so hmu if u want !
> 
> lmao i also make [video edits](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS-T5oquVXMGnIOr8y8W1Qw?view_as=subscriber) check it out if u want lol


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